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I googled ‘I’ve not blogged for a while’ (UK search only) and discovered the following things from the first page of search results…

1) That Chris Whitworth, a software developer from Cambridge, UK (born 1979), runs his site entirely on hand-crufted perl scripts, which sounds naughty. I’m planning on doing a bit of hand-crufting tonight if anyone can let me know what it is otherwise I’m going to make something up, just like I’ve made up what a Lunch Monkey is. Lunch Monkeys is the name of the sitcom I’m currently producing. Are you wondering what one is too? Join the rumour mill.

2) Warrior woman has not ‘run an awful lot of late’, but she has got some very peaceful pictures on her blog and they’ve made me feel very relaxed, so relaxed that I have cancelled my plans to go for a run, even though Sian Reeves promised the nation live on last Sunday’s Something For The Weekend that I’ll do the Great North Run. Thirteen miles – I’ve never run that far, of course I’ve never run that far it’s a very very long way. But it is for charity – The Alzheimer’s Society - so I have no choice. On the same show Sian hinted at what a Lunch Monkey is – well, what I totally fabricated what a Lunch Monkey is. I’m not telling you what that is in case the whole thing takes off and then I can feel like I’ve started something amazing.

3) Work While Drunk blogger, Fraser Pearce, grows his own chillies and the plants were looking in fine fettle and bearing fruit in the photos on his blog. But the last post was August 2008 so they could all be dead now. And so could he. I recently bought some chillies from Tesco to spice up my dinner to sweat out my manful. I can’t eat even mildly spiced curry without sweating, which can be embarrassing when you go out on the curry mile in Rusholme for the first time, like on Tuesday. The manflu has gone though.

4) Dan Ashby really hasn’t blogged for a while – not since June 23^rd 2004. Is he dead? If he is then it would be very bad to disrespect him. But he’s not. At least I don’t think so, because when I navigated his slickpepper.org.uk site I found that he is a musician who posts stuff on youtube and we subscribe to each other’s channel. And on further inspection I discovered that his last blog was June 17^th 2009 – the first one I read was just the page that came up in the Google search not the most recent post. Mystery solved.

5) Chris Lord does coding. No mention of crufting either involving hands or anything else.

6) Martin Lewis is famous. He does money stuff and he should be blogging all the time, the lazy get. Actually he does, so why has he come up in my search – is he cooking his search engine optimization books, or has he used the phrase further down his extensive and regularly updated blog than I could be arsed to scroll?

7) Julie Magee hasn’t blogged for a while and when she did blog last it was an apology for not blogging for a while, because she’d had a baby. And given that her blog was all about things not to attempt while pregnant, that is fair enough. Although she did only post twice during the gestation period.

iain tait (he’s all about lower case) is another coder. Or at least I thought he was at first, now I’m not sure, but he bangs on about digital agencies and friends wearing bowler hats, so he’s probably at the cool end of coding.  Or at least he’d like me to think he is. Last blog 17^th June 09 – yesterday – what’s he doing infiltrating my search. In fact he posts more than once a day. Get back your proper web 2.0 job Iain. Iain Tait does also use upper case, but not always.

Iain seems to have convinced my computer that a smiley is a good idea - I just want to make it clear this is something I didn’t intend and would like to get rid of, but it’s not playing ball.  This is probably some crazy benign virus Iain has sent into my wires.

Hi’s blog is crackunit and he describes himself thus…

…which says it all. I want a Venn diagram now. What circles can I draw around words that encapsulate my very essence?

9) Blimey. Coming in at the penultimate number in our amazing top ten is a man I’ve met twice. Alan Sharp does stand up and his Random Burblings is officially the 141^st best blog in Britain. At least that’s what it says on his site, but can you trust the internet? He didn’t seem like the kind of man to make stuff up, but then the rating may have changed since his last post in January ’09 – even longer of a while than my own last blog.

10) Final entry on the page is the lactivist.net – a breastfeeding activist. Great domain name. Seemingly significant number of posts. And all for a worthwhile cause that I can’t make a joke about, because it would seem all wrong. In fact my face is going funny at the thought of thinking up something funny about it. Though I’m sure it is possible. Lisa Cole (said lactivist) had a baby called Kit in March. I have a godson called Kit, so we have something in common, but I can neither breastfeed nor give birth naturally, so there are differences too.

Isn’t Google wonderful? Apart from the fundamentally evil bits of it. And it questioned my search phrase. How dare Google question me? I’m supposed to question it. Listen to this, Google, I searched for ‘I’ve not blogged for a while’…No, I did not mean ‘I’ve not blocked for a while.’ Why would I be blocking. I’m not a negative person. Be gone with your insidious inferences Google. I don’t need you. Although you are my homepage and I can’t be arsed to change it.

I googled ‘hand-crufted’ and got confused. Don’t do it.