I am definitely going to be a new man. Absolutely. No question.

I’ve been to the gym. Joined it. Signed up in my own blood. Mainly because I accidentally cut myself on the bread knife while slicing a bagel in a rush to avoid being late for my personal programme session. But in my own blood, with a bit of help from some ink in a pen, nonetheless.

The personal programme session, or humiliating venture into the world of gym balls and rotation exercises with broom handles, was enlightening. My personal programmer, Eva, told me I have weak shoulders, back and knees, essentially my core strength is sorely lacking. I told her that I’ve been voted ‘3^rd best body’ by my friends on facebook. She shook her head. ‘Nicest smelling?’ Nothing. ‘5^th best to be stuck in a pair of handcuffs with?’ She flinched, but it was just because she didn’t quite understand what I was banging on about. I think she’s Spanish.

Several embarrassing things occur. Firstly, I have to stand on a half ball thing balancing one hand on a stick, the other out front with my arse stuck out back. It’s incredibly difficult and I’m facing a mirror, so not only can everyone else enjoy my wibblywobblyarseoutedyness, but so can I. My gym gear is rubbish too. Secondly Eva showed me an exercise, but to make sure I got it right I had to put one hand under her back and the other on her stomach. Now Eva is a not unattractive lady and she works in a gym, so that’s fit in every sense of the word, except in the experiencing convulsions or putting a carpet down sense. I behave like a typical man and feel a bit odd about the whole affair and go a bit wibblywobbly in the old putting my hand on her stomach thing. It’s a very hard exercise too. All rather worrying.

Nearly forgot, thirdly there was a weights exercise where I had to do this thing lying on my front with the tiniest dumbbell ever while strapping men were bench pressing 100 kilos or something. And it killed me. My arms were drooping while I failed to pick up the movements I was supposed to be doing (these were based around the shapes of letters – I got the hang of the V T and W elements of the procedure, it was the L I was having trouble with. Bloody Ls.)

The good news is that I’ve done one of these workouts and I’ve done another session on some machines. It’s all change here. I am a new man.

Phew.