Hello there. Have you heard about the latest online romance disaster? It’s an amazing tale of love, deceit and divorce in Second Life. Read about it here to save me going into all the gory details, but in summary; David Pollard, unemployed, and Amy Taylor, unemployed, married after a whirlwind affair in the virtual world Second Life, which is cyberspace’s attempt to trap you inside a bad eighties movie. At least Tron had cool games and still looked kinda groovy when I saw it on telly a few years ago. And everyone likes Jeff Bridges.
Taylor moved from London to be with Pollard in Newquay, Cornwall. She probably thought this would be romantic, but I’m from down that way and, believe me, Newquay is a long way from paradise.
‘ With Hip Hop, all forms of House, Alternative Rock, foam parties and many more fun ideas, it’s no wonder top DJs all want to guest at Newquay’s nightclubs! The nightclubs are open seven nights a week until 2am throughout the summer season…’
That is a quote from the official website of the Newquay Tourist Information Centre and says it all. Taylor’s Second Life alter ego is Laura Skye, a nightclub DJ, maybe that’s what attracted her to Cornwall. Pollard called himself Dave Barmy, a nightclub promoter in the virtual world, but that is the kind of name a Newquay DJ would choose. That name conjures up images of a DJ who spins bad cheesy platters in the worst club in town, the one you go to when you are so trollied no other establishment will let you in. And then you and your mates waver about trying not to throw up while the DJ uses the microphone far too often and attempts to get off with under age girls between tunes.
Laura Skye caught Barmy cheating. Of course she did. Dave Barmy was never going to be a one woman kinda guy. He’s Dave Barmy out there living it large. He’s crazy Dave Barmy, the virtual girls love him and the Cobra helicopter gun ship he flies about in. Don’t try and tie Dave Barmy down, he’s a heartbreaker and a Second Life taker.
It’s no surprise that both Taylor and Pollard are apparently jobless. Have you ever been into Second Life? I had to go in ‘for research purposes’ a few months ago. And I spent hours just trying to get around the navigation area and making my avatar look ridiculous. I never wanted Pasty Trevellion (my Second Life name) to look like this, but he does….
Poor Pasty doesn’t know where he is and why his hair is bright red. To be fair he looks like a pretty shit nightclub DJ, but that’s due to my incompetence in Second Life, not my own fantasy fashion tastes, honest.
The problem was that the time I spent in Second Life made me feel like I was sucking everything out of my first life. I’ve just popped in there for 5 minutes for this blog and I feel dead inside. No, worse, I feel like I’m having a virtual panic attack. I wandered around bumping into all these cyber f*ckwits….
…and they were all just chatting to each other saying things like ‘I haven’t worked out how to put clothes on in here yet,’ and ‘how do you kiss?’ I don’t know and I don’t want to virtually kiss you, there are virtually loads of people here, what kind of man do you think I am? The kind of man that weaves drunkenly about a Newquay nightclub slobbering for a snog? I’ve only done that once. And I was drunk, so stop going on about it, okay?
I got some pleasure from flying away from it all (you can do that in Second Life, great isn’t it? No don’t get caught in it Matt, quit now.)…
I quit and relaxed.
The unhappy couple have sold their story to the tabloids via a pair of journalists from South West News who donned the guise of Second Life avatars to get the scoop. What dedication. I don’t know many journalists who can send an email with an attachment properly, so well done to them. It is all a bit sad though, isn’t it? Lonely introverted people seek an outlet for their more adventurous side only for their online romances to turn to real romances before going horribly wrong due to other online romances. Or due to online sex with a virtual prostitute as in one of the many incidents in this case.
It’s much healthier to engage in more natural activities on the internet. For example, take my dalliance with online backgammon. It was lots of fun, although I got beaten by lots of very skilful Turkish men who were interested to know whether or not I was a woman and when they found out I was a man would refuse to play me again even if they were thrashing me.
My backgammon obsession came during a short-lived bleak and lonely period, which was enlivened by my one and only virtual sex encounter. It seems that most people go into Second Life to pull and have online carryings on. I promise you, hand on heart, that I started playing online backgammon with an American lady purely with the intention of getting my checkers home first. But you can chat while you play and, you know, one thing lead to another. What can I say? My online personality is sparkling and uninhibited unlike the shy and retiring real life me.
The romance didn’t last and I didn’t agree to marry that American lady I never met. She didn’t ask. How rude? But it was a bizarre chance encounter that could never have happened in real life. Maybe I’ve experienced just a tiny bit of the excitement Dave Pollard and Amy Taylor found in Second Life. But I knew that it would burn my beautiful red hair. Pasty Trevellion is staying locked inside my hard drive… for now.
Lots of love and don’t get sucked into cyberspace. ‘Only virtual love can break your heart’ as Neil Young’s avatar would probably sing.
Matt
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