Dear Diary...

25th August

A strange day indeed. Sara toyed with my affections before revealing that she was married with three children. I’m not out to destroy relationships, Sara. It’s not that kind of show. Also it turned out that the girl sitting next to her was her young daughter (I couldn’t see her clearly; she was in the back row). Fortunately I didn’t make any inappropriate comments. In the end I plumped for a girl called Bob, who said she would love to go on a proper date with me. No, really. I took her to polish off the bottle of champagne-alike in the square with the other alcoholics. Which she loved. I’ve promised to take her on a proper date soon.

24th August

Only a few ladies to choose from today, but Kate was a fine and interesting woman. But I’m not sure why she’d come as she said she didn’t like men to be too romantic. So I took her straight to the pub to down some scotch. How’s that for not being romantic?

23rd August

My second day off. No love action to report.

22nd August

No date today as the lovely Antonella (a lady from the coast of Italy who now lives in… Birmingham) had to rush off to fly home. The first show where a husband appeared to take my overtures towards his wife seriously. A German bloke called Mattheus who said he would ‘fight back’ should I make any moves. And he would have too. And, let’s face it, he would have won.

21st August

When Julia suggested I could do with a comb, I didn’t think we’d got off to a great start. But things turned around as the show progressed and eventually we hit it off and went on a date. I took Julia off to the fair and a ride on the Waltzers. I found my inner child, nearly threw up and Julia banged her head when we were spun around vigorously. Fortunately, no lasting damage done and I took her for a drink to recover.

20th August

A lovely show and just too many girls to talk to. But Helen, who finally agreed to go on a date, was a fine choice and I had a very enjoyable afternoon. I took her to the market to buy her a memento of the occasion. She could have had anything she fancied – she chose a miniature model tortoise. It cost me 50p – good choice Helen. She called it Eric – why didn’t she name it after me?

19th August

It turned out that today’s date already had a date planned for that evening. So I felt a bit guilty about stealing another man’s thunder. But not much. Cat is a lovely girl from Bristol who runs a pub – my kind of girl. She’s promised to let me come and perform there at one of her music and comedy nights. The pub’s called The Chelsea, so pop in if you’re down there. I hope her date later in the evening went well. No really, I do.

18th August

Today I had an audience exclusively comprising young single women. This sounds ideal in theory, but in practice – quite scary. Obviously they were all fighting to join me on stage. In fact they were a delightful (if small) audience and it was very difficult for me to choose who to go for. Kara got the nod. Early in the show she said that she was falling for me. And then by the end she seemed less convinced. How can that possibly be?

17th August

I allowed Jennifer to plug the shows she is involved in up here, but she didn’t go on a date. I must be losing my touch. Her shows are Scriptease at The Underbelly and another one I can’t remember. So there’s another plug Jennifer, now how about going on a date with me?

16th August

Day off. A man needs to recover.

15th August

My lucky day. I had a great time winning the heart of a young nurse called Katy. She looked particularly excited (I think it was excitement) when we discovered that she lives very nearby in London. I made it clear that I had no convictions for stalking and she breathed a hearty sigh of relief. I also stressed that I had a close friend who lived in her environs and should she see me around there it would most likely be that I was visiting him. She should say a polite hello and not worry. Our date involved polishing off the champagne-alike in the park beneath Arthur’s Seat. Pretty classy.

14th August

A slightly quieter show after Saturday’s exploits, but enjoyable nonetheless. Again a lovely young lady comes escorted by a big male friend. But that didn’t stop me charming her into submission. Sarah was delightful and agreed to go on a date with me – I don’t think it had anything to do with her quaffing a substantial amount of the champagne-alike that I provide. She then cancelled the date. And then re-scheduled. And it all ended happily ever after.

13th August

A corker of a show and a corker of a lady. Linda may have been a few years older than me (I’ll be discreet), but she was probably my favourite so far. Okay, so that may be because she got the most laughs, but that’s fine. I was a bit worried when she said she fancied my Dad (my parents make an appearance in the show - it all becomes clear if you see it), but I think I won her over in the end. She even gave me a big kiss, much to the audiences delight. I managed to squeeze in a quick date with Linda (and her two charming friends). This involved dancing in the Underbelly accompanied by one of the venue crew singing Bette Davis Eyes a cappella. Yes it was a bit odd. But somehow so special.

12th August

Had lots of fun today trying not to offend a big scary dad. He’d brought his wife, two daughters and their two friends along. When I asked Beth to join me on stage I assumed she was a friend (she had different colour hair – I suspect foul play).

Beth was a daughter, so I trod very carefully and I think I created a good impression. Still Beth had another show to go to straight after, so she missed out on a date with me. She has since emailed me claiming that she would have loved to go out had she not been busy. Well it’s a bit late now, Beth. You’ve blown it.

10th August

I had a lovely time trying to woo a lady called Sophie. She had come with a friend. He was a man, so I tried to be on my best behaviour. Eventually I found out that he was Sophie’s ex-boyfriend. Thankfully he didn’t take my advances towards his ex the wrong way. Alas Sophie didn’t have time to go on a date with me after the show. I can’t think why.

There was also a lovely lady called Kate Copstick in the audience. She was writing some things down, so I didn’t want to disturb her train of thought by casting my spell over her. That might be deemed unethical.

9th August

I caught Fi just before her shift in the Underbelly bar. So I took her on a date in…the Underbelly bar. I’ll be honest, it was a cheap date. We finished off the champagne-alike, which I provide during the show. But we had a great chat about Economics (which she’s studying). And I’d like to get to know more… about Economics. I’m pretty ignorant of the subject.

I also had a lovely email from a girl called Claire, who saw the show on the 7th. Not only did she say it was ‘brilliant,’ but also that I was her second most fanciable man at the fringe after David O’Doherty. Irish wit and charm wins again. Damn.

8th August

Beautiful Nikki helped me through a difficult show today. And we met up the next morning in the park…with her two kids. They were very sweet and I think I managed to befriend them, which is always important if you’re going to make this kind of relationship work. I’ll get a clip on the site as soon as possible, because I want to show the chicks that I’m a sensitive kind of guy. I am.

7th August

The show went so well today that I managed to cast my spell over a couple – Damian was a very nice, and dare I say, attractive man, and Sarah wasn’t bad either. He seemed happy to send her in my direction and let me experiment with her on stage. And the ladykilling tricks worked a treat. Damian turned up for the date though.

6th August: Emily, oh Emily. What a lovely girl. She sorts people’s chests out in hospital - and she had my heart pumping like crazy, I can tell you. Maybe that’s because we went for a scary ride on a rickshaw through Edinburgh. But it was a lot of fun. During the show Emily said that she didn’t love me, which was, frankly, heartless. But she agreed to the date and we had a lovely time. She did turn up with an escort of friends though, which I thought was a bit untrusting of her.

5th August

I charmed Sheena so hard that she had to ‘catch a plane straight after the show.’ No date. Disaster strikes in the second show. She was just scared to admit her true feelings. Which is probably a good thing.

4th August

A perfect rainy day and so I took her to the Cemetery gates. Greyfriars Cemetery in Edinburgh. A lovely Australian girl, Jackie, succumbed to my charms. Or maybe it was the champagne-alike (half of which I managed to spray directly into my face during the show, much to the audience's amusement and my embarrassment. It was also quite painful. Thanks for asking).

The cemetery is home to a dog. A dead dog obviously; it's a graveyard. Check the video that will be up in a few days for more details. Or search the internet if you can be arsed. It's a touching tale. I think it showed what a sensitive guy I am. Jackie agreed that we could meet again at some non-specific time and place and gave me an email address. It's bouncing.

28th July

Finally organised a date with Liz from the show on the 12th. I took her to a traditional pie n mash shop in Tooting. She wouldn't touch the eels. To show that I was an adventurous type of man, I did. And promptly got a bone stuck in my throat. Quite liked the taste though - of the eels, not the bones. A roaring success. And, may I say, at a tidy price too.

19th July