Hello

A lot of people have asked me, ’Why haven’t you done a podcast about RussellBrandJonathanRossAndrewSachsGeorginaSatanicSlutGate?’ Well three have. And thank you for asking and then accusing me of being afraid to tackle this media storm for fear of upsetting someone important. Well know this naysayers, I’m a fearless commentator, so here goes… The BBC is brilliant. I love the BBC, it’s a great and wonderful institution. Mark Thompson is a fabbo DG. And I’ll keep saying that until they sign me up for a multi-million pound deal and then say what the f*ck I like.  And I will say f*ck a lot, because it is a fundamentally funny word.

A mate of mine thought I worked for Jonathan Ross and that was the reason I wouldn’t tackle this tricky subject, but I don’t; he sold his stake in my employer Channel X years ago and now has a new company, Hot Sauce. I have worked for them in the past and I wasn’t afraid to speak up there, I can tell you. He once came into the office in some kind of teen skater get up, so I said to him, ‘What the %&* is that Ross, you look like a total dick, you’re in your forties for Christ’s sake,’ and he laughed and obviously took my advice on board, because he’s been wearing ridiculous suits ever since instead. That was a lie. I said ‘Hello Jonathan’ and went back to concentrating hard on my monitor internalising my laughter and confusion (It really was quite silly garb).

There’s a serious point in there somewhere. People are afraid to tell big personalities that they’re either looking or behaving like massive tools. And when they have the power to hire and fire their underlings it makes matters worse. I’m sure that if Russell Brand didn’t like a producer, who maybe occasionally said ‘Russell, that bit’s not funny,’ he could have a word in the executive’s, or maybe even the station controller’s (formerly Lesley Douglas at Radio 2) ear and the producer might have to move on. Of course, I don’t know if that’s the case and I have no idea how good or bad Russell is to work with, but it has been reported that several producers have worked on the show. And the guy producing when PhoneF*ckUpGate was broadcast is 25 apparently. Now, you can have loads of experience by that age and you can be a strong personality, but would I have had what it takes to run a show hosted by a big star with a reputation for taking risks in my mid-twenties. I don’t think so. Although I could have calmed him down with a soothing lullaby on my guitar, the poor darling. (For the record Ross was perfectly nice to work for and never rung my granddad reporting on any of my dubious metropolitan activities).

There has been a trend in recent years for talent to form production companies (many independent companies started that way, like Channel X, in response to Channel 4 needing producers to make shows for them as they have no in-house production). This can work pretty well – look at Graham Norton and So Television. And I’m being nice about them even though…

(Here’s the story – I applied to be a producer in spite of the fact that I didn’t have much experience and most of my work had been in factual shows, not entertainment. I wrote a whimsically amusing letter and got a call saying that I was going to be interviewed in front of a panel including Graham. Exciting! Yes it was. I imagined myself flirting away with Norton, everyone’s laughing, and they all love me.  Obviously, they offer me a lot of money to work on the show on the spot. What actually happened was I went into their fancy HQ quite nervous, but ready to grab the panel by the goolies – which would have gone down well. After a short while I was greeted by the producer who just ushered me into his office. What no So Graham? No, so Matt Tiller’s plan to use the ‘might be gay’ card was screwed. Every answer to my interviewer’s questions was ‘I really wouldn’t give me the job, I’d be rubbish. Really bad. I’d probably make massive editorial f*ck ups too. Best get this over with and shuffle me out of here pronto.’ Amazingly I got the job.

I didn’t get the job. That last sentence was a fantasy. Anyhow, it’s probably a good thing. I’d have been riding around on a scooter naked with a webcam for the next six months or something.)

Many presenters and actors do have production companies, but they are usually set up in conjunction with very experienced producers who know how to handle their stars. Jonathan Ross’ Hot Sauce is no exception. However, there is another phenomenon – the production companies set up by agents. Some like Avalon and Open Mike (connected to agency Off The Kerb, who represents Ross) have been successful, but this seems to be more of a compromise. An agent is not a producer. Sure, they want to guide their client through their career and make the right choices, but they also want to make the most money. I’m sure that many shows have been commissioned where another producer (either in house or independent) might have made a better show or had a better concept. They can also be somewhat blind to criticism of their clients. Yes, they are fantastically talented, that’s why they got signed, but even the best comedy talent needs producing, directing and editing.

That paragraph was a bit serious, wasn’t it? Well I can’t make cheap gags in every section. Especially when I’m sat up in bed typing this and its well into the afternoon – I know, decadent. I was up late at a Halloween party where I was asked to play some tunes. It was a shambles, but I made up some stuff about the girl dressed as a tampon and the bloke in the baby outfit…edgy. BrandRoss eat your dark, black hearts out. What have those costumes got to do with Halloween?

Anyhow – I haven’t really expressed an opinion on this, but it goes in line with any sane person. I do understand why young people are supporting Brand and Ross, but I don’t get why many are supporting the prank. Are we all disappearing in a welter of cruelty where laughing at old men whose daughters have sex with people is cool. Most granddaughters will have sex at some point, even ones who aren’t Satanic Sluts, but is rubbing that in granddad’s face funny? My mum and dad don’t even know my sister has had sex and she’s got two kids. (Hi Erica – that’s what you get for complaining about me never mentioning you in a song! x) Mum and dad aren’t on the internet, so that bit’s okay – if you’re a friend of theirs with broadband, don’t tell ‘em.

Oh and, as for the BBC, It’s a great thing, but like any big institution it screws up sometimes and ‘tis a shame that big media corporations and their bosses seem so slow in times of crisis. Just like Andy Duncan and BigBrotherRaceRowGate, Mark Thompson seems slow out of the blocks. I hope that, whatever he’s saying in public, he sorts out the real problems in private. By the way, during the Big Brother Race Row someone shouted ‘Racist!’ at me. I was sporting a Channel 4 umbrella in Manchester – it was raining. What are you going to do about that Andy Duncan? I’ve been damaged by that incident. And I’ve since lost the umbrella. It was a really good one too, although to be fair I did nick it years ago when I was working on the Channel 4 coverage of the Chelsea Flower Show. It’s been a rock and roll life people. I can die knowing I lived it to the full.

I think that covers it. The whole palaver is just another sign that we’re all doomed. Come angry waves of globally rising seawater. Drown us now and take us away from all this.

Lots of love and recession-busting happiness.

Matt

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